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Open Letter to My Exes Whose Stuff I Still Have
(Bonus post! I’m working on a couple things and I’ll get something posted after the Work of Art finale. In the meantime, this was rejected from McSweeney’s!)
Dear Exes,
Hi! How are you? No, I mean it! Me? I’m doing okay. I recently moved and am moving AGAIN shortly. Exciting, right?
Yeah, but there is a lot of packing and unpacking involved with moving. I have a lot of stuff and I’m looking to cut down. Now I’m realizing, hey, a lot of it’s yours!
Not all of it is stuff you forgot to take back; a lot of it is gifts. But I’ll still let you have those back. Heck, maybe you gave away your copy of “The Threepenny Opera” to your college girlfriend only to realize years later that Brecht is your favorite playwright.
Or maybe you gave me Stranger in a Strange Land and, even though we both have red hair and would fit into a Heinleinian universe, the waterbrothers thing didn’t quite grok. I won’t hold it against you; if you want your book, take it back. Free love!
If you left beer at my house, I drank it all and cannot give it back to you. Sorry! It was pretty good, though.
I’ve kept most of the clothes left at my place in good condition. I’m especially looking to get rid of the soccer jersey that says, “Los Alamos,” on it. Don’t get me wrong; I like it and I wear it out to all the lesbian bars. It makes me look pretty gay, but it’s way more trouble than it’s worth. I get all these questions about what a Chicago girl is doing wearing a shirt from New Mexico. You inevitably come up in conversation and then I look undateable because I’m the girl wearing her ex’s shirt at a meet market bar. Yeah, I’m still single. I’m sure there’s someone out there, though!
The book The Russian Fascists is also up for grabs. I thought you might like it since I’m Russian and you seemed close to calling me a fascist when we’d fight sometimes. Those were some explosive fights, eh? What a memento from our relationship this would be! (Also, I sold the other book about Russia you got me. Again, sorry!)
I could always sell this stuff or give it away, but I figured you guys might want first crack at it. Additionally, I don’t want to be known as that bitch who stole your copy of Riven.
We should get coffee sometime and catch up. I can’t wait to hear about your new girlfriend!
Love always,____
